ARCHIVE OF 'private and secrets'
18 month | some thoughts
number one.
So, that’s it for traveling so far. I’m glad I did it, I’m glad to end my travels here at this point. A point where I have a lot of new energy to do what I love to do. Faith and believe in myself and my work will guide me from now on. Its not to deny that some things have changed after traveling alone for a long period of time. I am still the same Florian as I was before though, but my attitude to several things has changed. First, I became even more of an all rounder, personality wise. Back in Germany I avoided many kind of people instead always hanged out with people I thought they are a ‘really good match’ from my point of understanding. I figured out that they were many reasons I always had something to complain about anybody, because I always had something to complain as well. I am burning to find out about myself and what I am made of. I am sure you can learn something from everyone, you just need to let people come close to you and listen. Although it seems to be there is nothing you can learn from somebody, you realize it a couple of months or years later. Now I’m interested in any kind of people and turn the way I am into the way towards those people. That guarantees me in most of the cases an easy access to peoples’ life and their point of view. You might think I am more acting now than being myself and there is something true about it. I do not become somebody else, I am still me. I just arrange my interests a little and the way I behave. For a long time I thought about, no I searched intense, for my REAL personality, since my character has so many faces. Now, I discovered that my personality is diverse by itself. I can’t imagine why it took me such a long time to figure out. So either I became an acteur through acting all the time or I was born as one already anyways.
Than again I think, I do never act and I am sure if I would ask 20 people do write 10 characteristics about me, a lot of them would match. So I am only myself and there is only one Florian. But through photography I learned to pay more attention to my environment, people, situations, landscape, whatever, learned how to look closer, have a second look. And through developing my sensibility of where I am and with who I am, I get attached to what I am paying attention on and melt into the situation. Is that understandable ?!
The desire and time to tell others about my stories in life became less and less. Yes, I still like to tell people, but some people have such an enormous need to tell others about their stories, that it would be more like a battle of who has the better experiences instead of reaching a point of ‘conversation’. And in order to make the other one happy, I let it be. The more I listen to people the more they tell and it always surprises me when I meet some dudes on my trip who have actually questions about me and my travels and my life, without refer to their life after a few words and come up with their stories. I developed a good sense of when to say something and when just to listen and nod. I am able to enjoy this kind of people now, since I am able to explore this world through peoples’ stories, because this world is made of people right ?! I also could see it from an egoistic point of view: I know all my own stories already, of course I do, so I do not getting anything new out of when telling them. Maybe some other people would, but I would never be that arrogant to say that my experiences could help somebody else. So, from a boy who always tried to get attention I became more somebody who enjoys to stay anonymous and leave after a chat again.
From doubts to who I am, related to what I do, I’m confident now what I do, because I came closer to who I ‘am’. My diversity in my personality has its finger prints for sure in the photographs I take. And even though I created a certain style of pictures, I think they shouldn’t be a certain style: Every situation is different and it wouldn’t suit to always keep the same style. For sure they are certain interests I have, connected to find certain topics and situations, which reveals a certain style. My style. So with my style its more or less the same as it behaves to who I get along with other people. The fact I travelled to so ‘many’ countries in such a ’short’ time created a certain way I deal with this constant change. To get into it as quick as possible, get into the same habits as the people, try to learn the language and whatever. Get more worldly if you want to give it a name. I can manage the change well now. One example: I came here to Varkala, in the south of India, a 100% tourist place I never been before on my travel. I hate it, felt wrong to be here and thought seriously about going straight away back to the train station to carry on. After one day, I was O.K. with it. The key to feel comfortable is to accept everything as it is. And to have no expectations helps a lot. I tell myself, that is the place and its a part of this world to. According to a principal I have now: Never say no to things you have an expectation of, but didn’t experienced it by yourself. I know not much and need to learn every day. My key to be confident at any times.
Through this diversity I am more able to relax from stressed situations and o travel can be stress. To calm down from it takes me only 24 to 48 hours where I needed a week before. The same way it behaves with the change from relaxed to busy situations. Through traveling I got used to the change by itself. I repeat myself now.
number two.
My sometimes aggressive search for perfect pictures is related to my more often appearing effort for a perfect body and outer appearance. Yes, I am vain, so are my pictures, but now I can handle it and before my travels I couldn’t. And I guess the more I work on taking photographs, the more I work subconsciously on myself. I allow myself many mistakes though, since those are the ones who make me think about myself and what I do. I wasn’t really happy the way I have been before my travels and I do like myself now and some people are actually able to see that through the pictures I take. Through photography I became really confident and sure. Before I pretended to be confident and sure. That’s what I tried to express with my quote on my website: “Photography is not only a beautiful way to explore our world, it also gives us a great chance to explore ourselves.”
And yes, you see the photographers personality through his pictures. It can be like an open book sometimes.
I feel like explaining now why I think that to be a photographer is the best I can do in live. Photography is about taking pictures, that’s for sure and simple to understand. But the more I take pictures, the more I figure out how unimportant the actual process of taking the picture. Photography in my understanding (the way I take my pictures) requires to be somebody who understands the soul of a situation fast, who builds up something like a relationship (trust) with the people in a couple of minutes, interact with the situation instead of just being an observer. I can be creative, I can move my body, I can hold something in my hands, I am dealing with what this world is made of: people. There is no better job than going through this world with an open mind and open eyes. I am still not that far to say that my pictures are always about this topic or that issue. Maybe there are already but it is meant to be worked out from the people who look at my pictures. Instead of trying to understand who I am with pressure and take pictures with this new understanding, I just take pictures when I feel like taking them. Maybe because I understood that there is never a ‘Me’, since I am always changing. Through people i am with and through cultures I am in. And looking back to a photography journey of 18 month shows me a lot how I changed. Very interesting. Back in Hamburg, I’ve been never home and tried to stay away from moments where I would have to spend too much time with myself. That didn’t give me much of an opportunity to discover myself and my interests and explore who I am. No wonder I switched jobs and interests like underwear (I actually change underwear more often). Photography is now for sure something I will do for long. I feel it. I just know it. The more I do it, the more I get crazy and interested in. I enjoyed my time alone now, I really did and it brought me an inner peace which will remain for longer (I hope), who knows what happens next in life. But I needed to be in extremes to find my middle way. I would say I am an extreme person and to find a middle way I have to live through extreme periods of my life.
number 3.
Sometimes I felt incredible lonely and I guess that’s one of the reasons I cried out of the blue twice on my trip. The other reason was happiness, which was more a tear bringing goose bump. But even here: As i know from the movie ‘Into the wild’ and through my own experiences: “No happiness when not shared”. Therefore happiness can sometimes turn into the feeling of being lonely. I need people (we all do I guess) around me and I am looking forward to stay in a community again instead of a daily Hi-and-Bye life. Without people I can see myself less clear and can’t figure out what I am made of. No container, no contained substance.
number 4.
In the beginning of my trip I tried to avoid to hang out with Germans, since I had the feeling I know ‘Germans’ already anyways and there is nothing more to explore anymore. I’m happy to be smart enough though to figure out that mostly I tried to avoid myself, since I am German as well. I meet Germans while traveling with pleasure now, discover Germany’s people as I discovered other countries’ people. I look forward to come back and have the time to meet new interesting people and their stories in Germany. Although my interest is honestly mostly related to photography reports. It wasn’t much a difference when meeting people from other countries though. Photography opens up my heart and assures me a long life open minded way of dealing with my world … and Germany. It is just another country in this world, with its people I go along well and less well.
Many people I met though said that I am the first german they meet who is not ‘typically German’. Whatever that means I have to find out in Germany. Be open minded to Germany. And: I know there should never be something like a categorizing thought towards people from certain countries. But it would be a lie as well to say that people from certain countries do not match a certain pattern. Exceptions prove the rule.
number 5.
I am lucky enough again I was born into a family and grew up with my mother Marieluise, my elder brother Leonard and my younger sister Saskia. After I left home with 19 I tried to be more distant from my family and it didn’t have much of an interest anyways. I bet its nothing special after 19 years living next door to each other and have a break for a while. There was always a connection between my family and I, but it mostly contained only the most necessary and dry conversations.
Cut. On thing I learned is that family is more important as I used to think and my growing wish for an own family shows the origin of where I am from and what formed me even more clear. Nobody knows you that long, nobody else could give me so much trust and and love but also nobody else could make me so upset sometimes as my own family. I am made of those people and its going to be interesting to find out more about them. Not for any reason, the mothers come way before the girlfriend in South-East Asian countries, Pakistan and India in terms of ranking in importance. Well, yeah I learned my lesson again. Lets see what I can make out of this new feeling for family in Germany.
The end of my traveling is the beginning of a confident and happy life, with no more doubts about myself and what I do.
Actually I wanted to say something more deep, but whatever, I wrote what I wrote.
… and something else
When I started my traveling in 2007 in New York, it took me a long while until I was able to take pictures of people. Nowadays I don’t care anymore, I just shoot when I feel like and people getting irritated yes, but they going to survive. Its time no in India, and especially India, that I photograph the things we don’t want to see in our country. Basically means: Yes, travel photography will be still there but I am definitely going now in the direction I always wanted to go, photojournalism.
it is what it is
India, what a difficult country to travel, India, what a pain in the ass it can be, India, everybody is cheating and have no moral for right and false. India, the place where people are really incredible ruud.
Those quotes are very often to hear from backpackers who are in India or just came from India. I got really influenced by those opinions and I had a hard time not listen to much to those things instead make my own experience. So far, I really try to find these people in India, but everybody is nice and fair and I am coming slowly to the point that not the indians are the people who act strange, the backpackers are. They have sometimes expectations of other countries that I would like to know what they think when they come over in this country.
India isn’t that crazy as people say and I think people really like to exhaturate. Especially when traveling alone, people talk more and want to be heard. When I stayed in Karimabad, the very nice place in northern Pakistan, people told me about Rawapindi and its shit hole qualities. I went to Rawapindi and I thought its a really great place to explore.
India has been great so far and I think when show people you treat them with respect and show them in the same time that they can’t cheat on you, you gonna be fine. Its not only the way they deal with you, it is as important how you react as well.
people jut want to see the positive things of a country and as soon as they get confronted with more difficult issues they can’t deal, they blame the country and its people instead of think about their own attitude. I am very surprised how many tourists you find here who just came for a couple of weeks from their country, traveling in groups or even booked all inclusive.
I remember when I left Germany that India should be a thing you shouldn’t start with, because the difference will be enormous. But I never thought of the idea that those people might be wrong and India isn’t that crazy as everybody says. Maybe I am a little crazy too and therefore can deal better with crazy countries. Whatever it is, India is a great country, it is a great country yes, as every country in this world. And if you show the people that you are not afraid of them and respect them, you will be always on the safe side. Exceptions exist.
Its going to be my last country I travel to after 17 month and I am trying to get the most out of it, even though its only 3 weeks.
India, BUCKLE UP. I am going to annoy YOU. hahahaha
last night
I will spend my last night tonight here in Gilgit, in the north of Pakistan before I head down to Islamabad again to pick up my visa for India and carry on traveling the same day to Lahore. Long sentence, puh. I will have a look to Lahore for about three days and see a local dance thing what somebody told me, before I go to India. Its gonna be more or less a tough journey in India, since I want to see a lot and do not have much time for it. I will go to Delhi, Agra, Varanasi, Kolkata, fly from there to Goa, hang out in the South and finally to Chennai. Within this incredible fast journey I’ll try to visit also one of these places where you only eat, sit and sleep for 10 days. I don’t really know how I want to manage all those things, but I also don’t really care if I do it or not. Most of the times I set myself a plan up to change it afterwards again – more exciting that way.
Sounds good to me. On this journey I will finally start to take pictures, where people gonna say: “Haha, That’s funny, look at his head” or “Wow, he has only 1 leg” or “cool, his face looks so funny”. Since people need to be excited or shocked when confronted with pictures and since I want to make my money with photography I should go for it. Instead of finding the soul of people and capture it in picture and … whatever. I see where I have to go on my way of photography and I know what is still missing in my pictures, which is a good thing to know isn’t it ?!
So, buckle up and enjoy the most incredible pictures you ever have seen before. Well, that’s more my expectation and actually shouldn’tbe yours.
pb with ph
What I wrote today in the morning sun:
Again, its coming: Just to enjoy life. Don’t think about any pressure of traveling, job opportunities, money, things you need to organize. Its such a beautiful pure feeling. A goose bump goes from your toes to the tip of your hair and back into your toes. Since I experienced this feeling already I know its not a state of being for long. You get thrown back into society, into responsibility and agreements with others who surround you.
But the more you experience this state of being, the easier you get back into it. And since I know from the awesome movie “I Heart Huckabees”, its never a feeling you can come back to whenever you want. Life is ruled by cruelty, depression and pressure. And the good thing about knowing these experiences made by the devil, you can enjoy the other side (no thoughts and doubts, just watching) so much more.
Sometimes it happens:
You sit somewhere, you watch the people walk by, enjoy the staining landscape and listen to a song. And all of a sudden it throws you back in all your experiences from traveling, people you know, landscapes, situations, food and even the time before your travel time. Like your entire life runs through your vanes and happiness goes through your body, your mind. Its the most beautiful feeling I ever know.
You’re flying from thought to thought, from memory to memory … a Woah! feeling. It seems to be the same idea of a feeling people talk about who almost died and went in a second through their whole life and peace and freedom comes all over them.
Already little things are able to trigger this amazing feeling. It could be a Bird flying by, a man waving, a breeze blowing, a sun coming through clouds or even a leaf falling down from a tree. I thought about how to awake this feeling on purpose, but if I would figure out how, it wouldn’t come surprisingly anymore. And that’s another important part of it. You don’t know when you get it the next time. Like my panic attacks.
It seems to be that I need to have my panic attacks in order to get these amazing feelings. Thank you panic attacks. You take so much care of me.
Lets give it a name:
pure being accompanied with pure happiness. Very good.
punch buggy ’schulz’, no punch back
Since coming to the States, I do not feel any inspiration to take pictures. Everything is too clean, too perfect and too done. Maybe its just my eyes and my mind, not be able to see the mistakes in all this. Or maybe its me again, want to understand something in a time which is too short to understand.
The question is the following: Does a photographer need to be able to shoot everywhere in this world or can he claim to be inspired only by certain places? The answer seems to be there already. Speaking of inspiration shows already that the photographer, in this case, I, is more likely an artist instead of a photographer. The fact that I don’t want to be an artist doesn’t help in this case. I have to deal with it.
The following pictures show my boredom of my style and my aggression towards making something different out of my pictures. Enjoy or don’t. I don’t care these days.
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