archive of 'private and secrets'
no title
Its a bit like in the German board game Scotland Yard when Mr. X shows up only every 6 moves. Since I lost my last pair of contacts I came back to glasses.
Europe and his (my) responsibility in our world.
As most of you know I am european and I’ve got a lot of chances in my life, because I am from there. I never had to worry about a food crisis, war or human disasters. I have grown up in a country which is well known for good education and an open source for information which is not self-evident all over the world as you certainly know. And as a matter of fact, being a european, I see my responsibility to report western developed countries and nations what is happening in other parts of our world, like in Darfur, Birma, Tibet, Vietnam, Cambodia, Kashmir, Irak, Iran, Afghanistan and many other countries in the world dealing with conflicts, in order to think about us as a planet and not us as a country, city or even human being. I am not there yet to report from those places, because I haven’t got the right education, contacts and information to work as a photojournalist and cover stories around the world to show them to the people of europe and the united states. Maybe its still an excuse though for my inability to go finally this way, because of doubt and fears. I know that the excitement in doing this work will be stronger as the fear one day and I feel sure and competent enough to do so.
What I realize more and more that this is the work I need to do in my life and I am trying to achieve this state of being to tell one day what is going on from places we don’t know about, but caused often by our nations in its origins. I guess I am still afraid to accept that I want to do this, which is followed by the circumstance not to have a life I thought once I have: 3 children, a nice house, a well payed job and a cool wife. However, the more I am traveling the more I feel that I need this challenge to do this work to keep myself alive.
Deep in my heart the decision is made to be a photojournalist. I just need to find my way to it.
Love one and Love two
As I talked before on this blog about personal things already, it doesn’t really matter to continue with this kind of emotional stuff.
I fell in love with a woman again and I want to tell you about my feelings towards her, but more in terms of love one and love two.
What I experiences in love one is more like a overwhelming feeling you get when you see that girl you are in love with. You feel really good with her and have a great time even though you feel sometimes for doing apologies towards the way you treated her or acted or whatever, basically being you. And its totally ok for you, because you love her, right ?! But in the end it seems to be more close to devotion instead of being you.
With this woman right now, Shawnee her beautiful name, I think to believe in love 2 which is more about: Be the way you are and you are getting totally accepted. With all your mistakes, habits and other things which seems to be awkward at the first sight towards other people around you in your life. And the same feeling comes from me as well. I love her 100%. Everything, just everything. Even the words “I love you” seem to be so ridiculous, because they have been disused so much in the past from other people that it doesn’t sound real anymore to say those words. Love 2 is more a feeling which is there continuously. If bad times or good times. You just know that you can share everything. Right now I am living without her and it doesn’t matter, because we both know about each others existence. What a beautiful thing I have to tell you here.
round or no box
escaping from society and be free in nature and experience life only with nature is beautiful. We extend our horizonts to new levels and realize that things can be so much more beautiful in nature as in society. Trying to keep those new feelings (free minded, not attached to commercialized habbits, live without a box around us) when coming back to a city (society), we figure out pretty quick that we loose those feelings faster that we want, we expect. How to keep those when coming back in society?
We carry on living in a rounded box instead of a squared box. That sounded pretty good to me until a couple of days ago, because isn’t it the fact that a box is a box is a box is a box.
I will just carry on living to figure out the box thing. sounds good.
one year and two thoughts
Its a year now since I am traveling the world and it feels like 3 years. It seems to be the more you experience in a year the longer it feels. The more redundant things become the faster. And I really can’t say I didn’t experience a lot. From hanging out with murderers, working with photographers, taking about 12.500 pictures, running away from bears, getting into Buddhism, almost got killed by mossy bites (ok I am exaggerating a little here), working as a buzzy, running after kangaroos, get lost in fog because of taking X-tasy, meet 1000 kinds of different people, eating pork brain and all the other beautiful things I can’t think of it now. It was an amazing year so far and I never thought it changed me that much and I will find my way I want to go. All I have to say is thanks to all the people who supported me so far on my trip. My trip doesn’t end yet. I still travel another 6 month even though the next 3 month are more like staying in China | Nanjing. After going to Mongolia, Pakistan and India I will return to Germany; my roots and my people in december. Awesome time in my life.
or
Learning from traveling can mean, getting to know other cultures, other languages, different manors and see landscapes you didn’t see before. It also can mean to come closer to yourself. But coming closer to yourself is related to more than just be on your own for a year. Its the ability to understand what all this is about. All this is me, my world, the society I grew up and I am right now, my family and finally pure freedom and independence.
But what I asked myself tonight is a simple question. Do I really travel or am I just doing what people from my world understand when they talk about traveling. I had all the money to do all this. I had all the convenience, all the freedom to decide for myself to do all this. I had the support and the help from my family, especially from my mom, to realize traveling. No I am in China, after 11 countries I “traveled” one year. I had these moments of feeling free, being happy, being totally disconnected to any duties. Felt the spirit in my heart and in my mind. But all of a sudden everything seems to be not honest enough. Not fair the way I treated myself to do all this. Hopping from society to society, not having any time for myself to think about what I do and what I want to do. And there we go again. Why do I even have to think about what I want to do in life? Why did I tell myself and all those people around me that I finally found myself in photography? DId I really made this choice or is it just a subconscious pressure from the world I grew up to think that I have to choose one thing to do in my life in order to get the money to live in he same world where I am from.
I felt totally free when I had nothing to loose and the more I am coming close to competition and society the more I can feel the pressure again. But in this case its not the pressure to be good enough to earn money with my photography. Its the pressure of doing something to get the money I need to live in a city like Nanjing. And its not about Nanjing, its about the city by itself. Society. Society is putting pressure on me. I felt bored again after a long long time and to be bored means in my understanding the feeling of “you could to something better with your time”. But I thought I reached already the point, where time doesn’t matter anymore, where the fact that I have to wait 2 hours or 2 days doesn’t matter anymore and going with the flow is the only truth. But if I want to live in this city, in any city, I need to find a job and therefore I need to apply and smile and suit and compare and bargain and do all these things what makes you act not 100% you. Not being free.
Although I still would have the chance to throw my plans away. Send my electronic stuff back home: my camera, my laptop, my mp3 player. I could travel without any money. Work for small money, work for accommodation and work for myself to survive the real traveling. I would feel probably totally free again. I don’t have to follow any pattern of society in order to sell my photography, to prove myself to anybody. Just prove me that I am able to be on my own. When I would like to feel free for the rest of my life, I need to keep on doing this kind of traveling forever. Until I die, until I get hit by a car, until I drown in a mighty river. I will not be a part of a society anymore, there is no hold back home, because nobody would know where I would be. But once I would like to have this kind of traveling just as an experience, there is the need to come back, to keep in touch. And I would return back to the place where I have to make money with a job “I’ve chosen” to do.
Where I am right now? I’am stuck. Stuck between two worlds. Between the world of society and therefore their money and their success and the world of solely independence, the world where I have to achieve nothing but live as I would live in my dreams for ever. To prove myself that I would be tough enough to choose world number two, I have to drop everything but my thoughts. I wonder if I would have the balls for that. As long as I can’t decide in which world I want to be, I will continue only with “traveling” and get the glance of freedom in high mountains, lonely beaches and wild landscapes.
I can’t be unhappy with the fact that I found out about all this. But once again, once again, I learned something new: The difference between Happiness and Enlightenment.
Sok dii
I am really happy. First of all because of the fact, that I accept myself more and more and so do I accept more and more of my surrounding people. As the bible says already: Love the people as you love yourself. And its so true. Thanks Jesus or whoever said this once. I meet more and more people telling me that I spread out happiness and joy and affect other people. And its true. The more I love my world, the more my world loves me. And its not that I am running through the streets making efforts to get people to laugh. I am just me and it seems to be that people can see this. Not everybody but some. They get a smile on their face. Foreigners or locals. So I am sure that my private entries about finding my soul have the right thought. Finding my soul to see other peoples souls.
On top of that I have to say its affecting also the kind of people I meet. I meet people, have a great talk about any topics and it doesn’t matter where we come from, where we traveled, what we doing in real life. We don’t exchange emails in the end and don’t try to keep in touch for the rest of our lifes. We both accept the fact of have the luck to meet each other and accept in the same way that we will be apart from each other again. Its totally naturally and they is no doubt on both sides. Being open and free minded.
The more I come closer to myself the more it doesn’t matter where I am. I am reaching slowly but for sure the stage of being intensely happy.