ARCHIVE OF 'private and secrets'
AMPLIFY THE SUN
Since a couple of weeks I really feel what it means to be self employed. It means you are responsible for yourself. Fully. And to be responsible for yourself in a crisis is the most beautiful thing I probably have chosen the past years. I thought about getting a job. Worked in two bars for half the money (4 euros an hour) without tip and didn’t get one of them. The first one, the owner couldn’t handle it when I told him he’s got an assholish attitude towards his employees. After a couple of hidden racist comments from him I couldn’t shut up anymore. What an Asshole. So, I told the guy from the other restaurant I worked for (3 euros an hour) and he told me I am probably to late. I didn’t call earlier, because I thought I get the job in the ‘Asshole-Bar’. Well, now: No job. Anyways. Fuck off. I noticed, that I got way more aggressive towards other people. This difficult situation I am in where nothing is clear and everything is open and I can’t hold on to anything is not easy indeed. Instead of swimming in a boat along the banks, I am floating on a wooden piece in the middle of a broad river. I do have plans, a lot of plans. I just don’t know how to realize anything. I lost the last bit of hope and faith. From now on, it can go only upwards. You never know though. My plans to get my own appartment is still my dream. I can’t afford it. To go to China would be a solution too. Although, I donät really know if I am just running away again. So, I’ll stay in Hamburg, look for a new place to live and safe money. I wish I could amplify my power and courage to do new things and are open to anything. Whatever. Just another entry in my blog probably.
THE FALCON
Since I moved here to this house and noticed one day the falcon in the neighbors garden, I ran out with my camera and hoped I can take a picture before he’s gone. He still sits there. The neighbor attached his leg with a string to the roof house he is sitting on. Both sides of the roof are totally white of bird shit and tells me that the falcon is sitting there already since a while. I’m sure the falcon wants to and needs to fly and didn’t think of a life sitting on a roof all day and night long. its sits and sits and sits. Both of his wings seem to work. When he spreads out his wings to turn around, I can see that he is able to fly. I am not an expert. I just know he can. The longer the falcon sits on this roof, the more I feel angry about the guy who keeps him away from flying. My thoughts to free the falcon become bigger and bigger. BUT, and that’s where the dilemma starts:
The falcon doesn’t belong to me, its probably the property of this neighbor and the neighbor let the bird fly when its time to let the bird fly, because its a special falcon. He also might have payed thousands of euros to get the bird and now trains him. Maybe he is a veteran and keeps the bird until his broken wings are good enough again, so it can be on his own again.
However you want to this, I can’t force myself to talk to the guy and ask him about his falcon. Why? That’s probably what I need to figure out. I usually don’t feel that emotionally with animals, but this falcon doesn’t seem to be a usually bird. Today I suddenly thought of the falcon as a metaphor to my own situation I am in. I am able to fly but something stops me from using my wings. The falcon can move only in two directions. North and South, and mostly its looking south. I can move wherever I want, but I know I would just keep on trying to escape from myself. So either the falcon is what I am and what to happen to him, happens to me right now, or the falcon shows me how free I actually am, but still lock myself up in thoughts and doubts.
I’ll watch the falcon and find out about it.
ILLUSTRATIONS AND OTHER REASONS
Before I start to tell you all about my plans in future (don’t have any anyways), I thought about scanning in my illustrations I didn’t show yet. A little bit of background: The one you see above was created in New Zeland, where punks (youth) go that often to Burger King and McDonalds, german parents would probably be happy their kids go only 3 times a week. Don’t ask me about the german dude, jumping with a knife towards the chicken. Can’t remember the idea here. In the same time I did the hostelburger. The hostel I stayed in Christchurch was so incredible dirty and my job to clean it, so I could stay for free, let happen this illustration. I can’t think of any reason why I draw the kitchen help. Enjoy or don’t. The probably most interesting illustration “3 pigs”, created in october is probably the result of my confusion what direction I am going in life. Funny how present this illustration actually is. I could actually write a whole book about this topic: my on going conflict I carry with me. Should I join society and live one of those “great lives” and die one day or become one of those lonely forest soldiers and live from the goods the forest give me. Both directions seem to be too extreme and I don’t like to be a part of one of those. Instead I would like to become famous before I actually start working. Actually I want to become part of history. That’s probably the only way I see I justify to be dead one day, because I actually don’t die. So those three pigs turning in different directions but all are in the same shit is definitely up to date. Probably the reason for my panic attacks, too. Father and Son is probably the fantastic result of my wish for a family or maybe its just a stupid skateboard competition, who knows. This last peace of work I did in Seattle, while my girlfriend’s daugther complained about being hungry constantly. She always does so I really needed to bring that somehow to paper. The onion girl is not part of my moleskine, but my last illustration, 6 months ago now. (What an important information). Love and Kiss from planet uninspired.
ON AND OFF
Since I am back in Germany things go actually well. I guess I’m having hard times to accept that things take time and can’t be accelerated by impatience. My Portfolio is finished, my website has a new look with bigger pictures and I continue my journey of traveling. That’s what I want to do for life: Travel photography and interesting reports from all around the world about people and their life. I just came back from Seattle where I visited my girlfriend Shawnee and her family. While being in Seattle I went to one of the tent cities, where homeless people stay, since they lost their property or other reasons. Next week I am flying to Barcelona to see my father and spend some time, certainly taking new pictures too. By the end of April I will finally visit the beautiful part of the east coast in the US which is Maine and travel with my girlfriend for a week. I’m planning to see Harry again too and take new pictures of him. Harry is the first person I took good pictures of in the beginning of my world trip in New York, Brooklyn. By the beginning of May, almost 2 years later I am excited to photograph the same person, but with 2 more years of experience. My new 5D MK II is back at the retailer because of function problems, so I have a break with taking pictures and care about things I have to which are less exciting such as write a tutorial for a website, do some filing, pay invoices, care about my insurance, call her, call him, call them, …
I hope everybody who is reading my blog is doing well, especially Katja who is still traveling around the world since the end of last September and right now probably in Cambodia or Vietnam. Good luck to you Katja.
I AM TOO PRIVATE ON MY BLOG, HERE IS ANOTHER REASON YOU’RE RIGHT
I’m sitting in the kitchen play with my computer, too afraid of going out and do my job. I don’t know how to address those hesitations and fears I have. I am in another country and the fear of not taking pictures for money (work as a professional) bites every single day a little piece of confidence away. The confidence to take pictures and to be sure about the things I do. My life hasn’t been that messy before. Its crazy. I always had a way I had to go and just needed to follow the path and never really think about where to go when the path splits into two. Now, there seems to be no certain way I want to go, except the ways I want to go with my girlfriend and my camera. But there is no hope in sight I can see the direction. And the appearance of the path I am on is closer to a round-about than it is a way with two directions. There is no evidence for such thing as hope. Advices from anybody or help or anything else is not found too. There are only doubts and criticism about myself from myself. “All I can do now is taking pictures”. Yes I can. But the fear gets bigger and bigger that these pictures I take become an endless story without success and direction.
Its raining outside and I wonder if the rain wants to tell me not to go out or if it tells me to be strong and go out weather the weather is good or not. I can’t read signs for myself anymore. Although there are no signs and its all made up psychologically anyways. I was able to create signs and their meanings in my mind to encourage myself in situations where I am with no motivation: (sad, dark, tired, ugly, black, gray, rain, no, doubt, no love, no emotion, no happiness, no yoga, no self love, no sleep, no movies, no communication, no ups, no downs …
A gray slowly floating substance of meaninglessness is searching its way through my current journey. And all i can do is carry on with what I do. Take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures, take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures take edit take edit take edit take edit.
WHAT THE F… ?
What is happening here? I know exactly what is happening here: disillusion. Coming back from my trip, getting self employed with all my great great lovely pictures, send it to magazines and get work. hahaha. Fantastic how incredible dumb we can be in this world. This world I am living now has nothing to do with passion and ability. No .. its all about connection. And if you don’t know anybody in this little damn world, you are nobody. The great thing about this traveling is that you get kind of like the feeling to understand the world from its origin. What keeps people and societies together: love and trust. I can’t see this here in Hamburg. its all about doubting and so much looking at other people who behave strange. No acceptance. Of course I could do one thing I always used to do in the past in new countries, different people and all this: I just relax, accept how this world is, how people are and I am fine with the murders, the economists, the lawyers, the baggers and the elderly. The only difference here is, its my country, that’s where I am from and if I am going to run away now and start an easy life abroad, I will never make it. Its fantastic how you can find all this things like love and peace and trust along your journey while traveling and you come back where you feel home the most and you are far away from all these good feelings. So all I can do is fight. But this seems to be another circumstance I didn’t think of. Not be a prostitute, to be free in your mind and do what you feel like (artist) works and it doesn’t work. As artists we need those gallery guys and art guys and all the nonsense talking people coming to your exhibition too. Otherwise nobody is going to buy it. So if you want to be a prostitute in an art world or in the business world, its up to you. I am glad I have a choice though. So in the end its all about the same thing: money. otherwise you can’t survive.
2 more things:
- You can download my latest portfolio for only 229,90 €. BUY NOW
- I deleted my flickr account. I felt like its the right time.