ARCHIVE OF 'private and secrets'
THE FALCON
Since I moved here to this house and noticed one day the falcon in the neighbors garden, I ran out with my camera and hoped I can take a picture before he’s gone. He still sits there. The neighbor attached his leg with a string to the roof house he is sitting on. Both sides of the roof are totally white of bird shit and tells me that the falcon is sitting there already since a while. I’m sure the falcon wants to and needs to fly and didn’t think of a life sitting on a roof all day and night long. its sits and sits and sits. Both of his wings seem to work. When he spreads out his wings to turn around, I can see that he is able to fly. I am not an expert. I just know he can. The longer the falcon sits on this roof, the more I feel angry about the guy who keeps him away from flying. My thoughts to free the falcon become bigger and bigger. BUT, and that’s where the dilemma starts:
The falcon doesn’t belong to me, its probably the property of this neighbor and the neighbor let the bird fly when its time to let the bird fly, because its a special falcon. He also might have payed thousands of euros to get the bird and now trains him. Maybe he is a veteran and keeps the bird until his broken wings are good enough again, so it can be on his own again.
However you want to this, I can’t force myself to talk to the guy and ask him about his falcon. Why? That’s probably what I need to figure out. I usually don’t feel that emotionally with animals, but this falcon doesn’t seem to be a usually bird. Today I suddenly thought of the falcon as a metaphor to my own situation I am in. I am able to fly but something stops me from using my wings. The falcon can move only in two directions. North and South, and mostly its looking south. I can move wherever I want, but I know I would just keep on trying to escape from myself. So either the falcon is what I am and what to happen to him, happens to me right now, or the falcon shows me how free I actually am, but still lock myself up in thoughts and doubts.
I’ll watch the falcon and find out about it.
ILLUSTRATIONS AND OTHER REASONS
Before I start to tell you all about my plans in future (don’t have any anyways), I thought about scanning in my illustrations I didn’t show yet. A little bit of background: The one you see above was created in New Zeland, where punks (youth) go that often to Burger King and McDonalds, german parents would probably be happy their kids go only 3 times a week. Don’t ask me about the german dude, jumping with a knife towards the chicken. Can’t remember the idea here. In the same time I did the hostelburger. The hostel I stayed in Christchurch was so incredible dirty and my job to clean it, so I could stay for free, let happen this illustration. I can’t think of any reason why I draw the kitchen help. Enjoy or don’t. The probably most interesting illustration “3 pigs”, created in october is probably the result of my confusion what direction I am going in life. Funny how present this illustration actually is. I could actually write a whole book about this topic: my on going conflict I carry with me. Should I join society and live one of those “great lives” and die one day or become one of those lonely forest soldiers and live from the goods the forest give me. Both directions seem to be too extreme and I don’t like to be a part of one of those. Instead I would like to become famous before I actually start working. Actually I want to become part of history. That’s probably the only way I see I justify to be dead one day, because I actually don’t die. So those three pigs turning in different directions but all are in the same shit is definitely up to date. Probably the reason for my panic attacks, too. Father and Son is probably the fantastic result of my wish for a family or maybe its just a stupid skateboard competition, who knows. This last peace of work I did in Seattle, while my girlfriend’s daugther complained about being hungry constantly. She always does so I really needed to bring that somehow to paper. The onion girl is not part of my moleskine, but my last illustration, 6 months ago now. (What an important information). Love and Kiss from planet uninspired.
ON AND OFF
Since I am back in Germany things go actually well. I guess I’m having hard times to accept that things take time and can’t be accelerated by impatience. My Portfolio is finished, my website has a new look with bigger pictures and I continue my journey of traveling. That’s what I want to do for life: Travel photography and interesting reports from all around the world about people and their life. I just came back from Seattle where I visited my girlfriend Shawnee and her family. While being in Seattle I went to one of the tent cities, where homeless people stay, since they lost their property or other reasons. Next week I am flying to Barcelona to see my father and spend some time, certainly taking new pictures too. By the end of April I will finally visit the beautiful part of the east coast in the US which is Maine and travel with my girlfriend for a week. I’m planning to see Harry again too and take new pictures of him. Harry is the first person I took good pictures of in the beginning of my world trip in New York, Brooklyn. By the beginning of May, almost 2 years later I am excited to photograph the same person, but with 2 more years of experience. My new 5D MK II is back at the retailer because of function problems, so I have a break with taking pictures and care about things I have to which are less exciting such as write a tutorial for a website, do some filing, pay invoices, care about my insurance, call her, call him, call them, …
I hope everybody who is reading my blog is doing well, especially Katja who is still traveling around the world since the end of last September and right now probably in Cambodia or Vietnam. Good luck to you Katja.
I AM TOO PRIVATE ON MY BLOG, HERE IS ANOTHER REASON YOU’RE RIGHT
I’m sitting in the kitchen play with my computer, too afraid of going out and do my job. I don’t know how to address those hesitations and fears I have. I am in another country and the fear of not taking pictures for money (work as a professional) bites every single day a little piece of confidence away. The confidence to take pictures and to be sure about the things I do. My life hasn’t been that messy before. Its crazy. I always had a way I had to go and just needed to follow the path and never really think about where to go when the path splits into two. Now, there seems to be no certain way I want to go, except the ways I want to go with my girlfriend and my camera. But there is no hope in sight I can see the direction. And the appearance of the path I am on is closer to a round-about than it is a way with two directions. There is no evidence for such thing as hope. Advices from anybody or help or anything else is not found too. There are only doubts and criticism about myself from myself. “All I can do now is taking pictures”. Yes I can. But the fear gets bigger and bigger that these pictures I take become an endless story without success and direction.
Its raining outside and I wonder if the rain wants to tell me not to go out or if it tells me to be strong and go out weather the weather is good or not. I can’t read signs for myself anymore. Although there are no signs and its all made up psychologically anyways. I was able to create signs and their meanings in my mind to encourage myself in situations where I am with no motivation: (sad, dark, tired, ugly, black, gray, rain, no, doubt, no love, no emotion, no happiness, no yoga, no self love, no sleep, no movies, no communication, no ups, no downs …
A gray slowly floating substance of meaninglessness is searching its way through my current journey. And all i can do is carry on with what I do. Take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures, take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures take edit take edit take edit take edit.
WHAT THE F… ?
What is happening here? I know exactly what is happening here: disillusion. Coming back from my trip, getting self employed with all my great great lovely pictures, send it to magazines and get work. hahaha. Fantastic how incredible dumb we can be in this world. This world I am living now has nothing to do with passion and ability. No .. its all about connection. And if you don’t know anybody in this little damn world, you are nobody. The great thing about this traveling is that you get kind of like the feeling to understand the world from its origin. What keeps people and societies together: love and trust. I can’t see this here in Hamburg. its all about doubting and so much looking at other people who behave strange. No acceptance. Of course I could do one thing I always used to do in the past in new countries, different people and all this: I just relax, accept how this world is, how people are and I am fine with the murders, the economists, the lawyers, the baggers and the elderly. The only difference here is, its my country, that’s where I am from and if I am going to run away now and start an easy life abroad, I will never make it. Its fantastic how you can find all this things like love and peace and trust along your journey while traveling and you come back where you feel home the most and you are far away from all these good feelings. So all I can do is fight. But this seems to be another circumstance I didn’t think of. Not be a prostitute, to be free in your mind and do what you feel like (artist) works and it doesn’t work. As artists we need those gallery guys and art guys and all the nonsense talking people coming to your exhibition too. Otherwise nobody is going to buy it. So if you want to be a prostitute in an art world or in the business world, its up to you. I am glad I have a choice though. So in the end its all about the same thing: money. otherwise you can’t survive.
2 more things:
- You can download my latest portfolio for only 229,90 €. BUY NOW
- I deleted my flickr account. I felt like its the right time.
18 month | some thoughts
number one.
So, that’s it for traveling so far. I’m glad I did it, I’m glad to end my travels here at this point. A point where I have a lot of new energy to do what I love to do. Faith and believe in myself and my work will guide me from now on. Its not to deny that some things have changed after traveling alone for a long period of time. I am still the same Florian as I was before though, but my attitude to several things has changed. First, I became even more of an all rounder, personality wise. Back in Germany I avoided many kind of people instead always hanged out with people I thought they are a ‘really good match’ from my point of understanding. I figured out that they were many reasons I always had something to complain about anybody, because I always had something to complain as well. I am burning to find out about myself and what I am made of. I am sure you can learn something from everyone, you just need to let people come close to you and listen. Although it seems to be there is nothing you can learn from somebody, you realize it a couple of months or years later. Now I’m interested in any kind of people and turn the way I am into the way towards those people. That guarantees me in most of the cases an easy access to peoples’ life and their point of view. You might think I am more acting now than being myself and there is something true about it. I do not become somebody else, I am still me. I just arrange my interests a little and the way I behave. For a long time I thought about, no I searched intense, for my REAL personality, since my character has so many faces. Now, I discovered that my personality is diverse by itself. I can’t imagine why it took me such a long time to figure out. So either I became an acteur through acting all the time or I was born as one already anyways.
Than again I think, I do never act and I am sure if I would ask 20 people do write 10 characteristics about me, a lot of them would match. So I am only myself and there is only one Florian. But through photography I learned to pay more attention to my environment, people, situations, landscape, whatever, learned how to look closer, have a second look. And through developing my sensibility of where I am and with who I am, I get attached to what I am paying attention on and melt into the situation. Is that understandable ?!
The desire and time to tell others about my stories in life became less and less. Yes, I still like to tell people, but some people have such an enormous need to tell others about their stories, that it would be more like a battle of who has the better experiences instead of reaching a point of ‘conversation’. And in order to make the other one happy, I let it be. The more I listen to people the more they tell and it always surprises me when I meet some dudes on my trip who have actually questions about me and my travels and my life, without refer to their life after a few words and come up with their stories. I developed a good sense of when to say something and when just to listen and nod. I am able to enjoy this kind of people now, since I am able to explore this world through peoples’ stories, because this world is made of people right ?! I also could see it from an egoistic point of view: I know all my own stories already, of course I do, so I do not getting anything new out of when telling them. Maybe some other people would, but I would never be that arrogant to say that my experiences could help somebody else. So, from a boy who always tried to get attention I became more somebody who enjoys to stay anonymous and leave after a chat again.
From doubts to who I am, related to what I do, I’m confident now what I do, because I came closer to who I ‘am’. My diversity in my personality has its finger prints for sure in the photographs I take. And even though I created a certain style of pictures, I think they shouldn’t be a certain style: Every situation is different and it wouldn’t suit to always keep the same style. For sure they are certain interests I have, connected to find certain topics and situations, which reveals a certain style. My style. So with my style its more or less the same as it behaves to who I get along with other people. The fact I travelled to so ‘many’ countries in such a ’short’ time created a certain way I deal with this constant change. To get into it as quick as possible, get into the same habits as the people, try to learn the language and whatever. Get more worldly if you want to give it a name. I can manage the change well now. One example: I came here to Varkala, in the south of India, a 100% tourist place I never been before on my travel. I hate it, felt wrong to be here and thought seriously about going straight away back to the train station to carry on. After one day, I was O.K. with it. The key to feel comfortable is to accept everything as it is. And to have no expectations helps a lot. I tell myself, that is the place and its a part of this world to. According to a principal I have now: Never say no to things you have an expectation of, but didn’t experienced it by yourself. I know not much and need to learn every day. My key to be confident at any times.
Through this diversity I am more able to relax from stressed situations and o travel can be stress. To calm down from it takes me only 24 to 48 hours where I needed a week before. The same way it behaves with the change from relaxed to busy situations. Through traveling I got used to the change by itself. I repeat myself now.
number two.
My sometimes aggressive search for perfect pictures is related to my more often appearing effort for a perfect body and outer appearance. Yes, I am vain, so are my pictures, but now I can handle it and before my travels I couldn’t. And I guess the more I work on taking photographs, the more I work subconsciously on myself. I allow myself many mistakes though, since those are the ones who make me think about myself and what I do. I wasn’t really happy the way I have been before my travels and I do like myself now and some people are actually able to see that through the pictures I take. Through photography I became really confident and sure. Before I pretended to be confident and sure. That’s what I tried to express with my quote on my website: “Photography is not only a beautiful way to explore our world, it also gives us a great chance to explore ourselves.”
And yes, you see the photographers personality through his pictures. It can be like an open book sometimes.
I feel like explaining now why I think that to be a photographer is the best I can do in live. Photography is about taking pictures, that’s for sure and simple to understand. But the more I take pictures, the more I figure out how unimportant the actual process of taking the picture. Photography in my understanding (the way I take my pictures) requires to be somebody who understands the soul of a situation fast, who builds up something like a relationship (trust) with the people in a couple of minutes, interact with the situation instead of just being an observer. I can be creative, I can move my body, I can hold something in my hands, I am dealing with what this world is made of: people. There is no better job than going through this world with an open mind and open eyes. I am still not that far to say that my pictures are always about this topic or that issue. Maybe there are already but it is meant to be worked out from the people who look at my pictures. Instead of trying to understand who I am with pressure and take pictures with this new understanding, I just take pictures when I feel like taking them. Maybe because I understood that there is never a ‘Me’, since I am always changing. Through people i am with and through cultures I am in. And looking back to a photography journey of 18 month shows me a lot how I changed. Very interesting. Back in Hamburg, I’ve been never home and tried to stay away from moments where I would have to spend too much time with myself. That didn’t give me much of an opportunity to discover myself and my interests and explore who I am. No wonder I switched jobs and interests like underwear (I actually change underwear more often). Photography is now for sure something I will do for long. I feel it. I just know it. The more I do it, the more I get crazy and interested in. I enjoyed my time alone now, I really did and it brought me an inner peace which will remain for longer (I hope), who knows what happens next in life. But I needed to be in extremes to find my middle way. I would say I am an extreme person and to find a middle way I have to live through extreme periods of my life.
number 3.
Sometimes I felt incredible lonely and I guess that’s one of the reasons I cried out of the blue twice on my trip. The other reason was happiness, which was more a tear bringing goose bump. But even here: As i know from the movie ‘Into the wild’ and through my own experiences: “No happiness when not shared”. Therefore happiness can sometimes turn into the feeling of being lonely. I need people (we all do I guess) around me and I am looking forward to stay in a community again instead of a daily Hi-and-Bye life. Without people I can see myself less clear and can’t figure out what I am made of. No container, no contained substance.
number 4.
In the beginning of my trip I tried to avoid to hang out with Germans, since I had the feeling I know ‘Germans’ already anyways and there is nothing more to explore anymore. I’m happy to be smart enough though to figure out that mostly I tried to avoid myself, since I am German as well. I meet Germans while traveling with pleasure now, discover Germany’s people as I discovered other countries’ people. I look forward to come back and have the time to meet new interesting people and their stories in Germany. Although my interest is honestly mostly related to photography reports. It wasn’t much a difference when meeting people from other countries though. Photography opens up my heart and assures me a long life open minded way of dealing with my world … and Germany. It is just another country in this world, with its people I go along well and less well.
Many people I met though said that I am the first german they meet who is not ‘typically German’. Whatever that means I have to find out in Germany. Be open minded to Germany. And: I know there should never be something like a categorizing thought towards people from certain countries. But it would be a lie as well to say that people from certain countries do not match a certain pattern. Exceptions prove the rule.
number 5.
I am lucky enough again I was born into a family and grew up with my mother Marieluise, my elder brother Leonard and my younger sister Saskia. After I left home with 19 I tried to be more distant from my family and it didn’t have much of an interest anyways. I bet its nothing special after 19 years living next door to each other and have a break for a while. There was always a connection between my family and I, but it mostly contained only the most necessary and dry conversations.
Cut. On thing I learned is that family is more important as I used to think and my growing wish for an own family shows the origin of where I am from and what formed me even more clear. Nobody knows you that long, nobody else could give me so much trust and and love but also nobody else could make me so upset sometimes as my own family. I am made of those people and its going to be interesting to find out more about them. Not for any reason, the mothers come way before the girlfriend in South-East Asian countries, Pakistan and India in terms of ranking in importance. Well, yeah I learned my lesson again. Lets see what I can make out of this new feeling for family in Germany.
The end of my traveling is the beginning of a confident and happy life, with no more doubts about myself and what I do.
Actually I wanted to say something more deep, but whatever, I wrote what I wrote.