ARCHIVE OF 'private and secrets'
PHOTO DREAMS
I had two dreams which basically told me to get back into photography as soon as possible. I do photograph much more since my birthday already, but I think I don’t take it serious enough, otherwise those 2 dreams wouldn’t appear.
8th of September
the first one I went on a road trip with friends or family and this little village appeared in front of us. I wanted to stop and get out to take pictures. So I did and while walking to the little village which was partly touristy, I saw those traditional dressed woman in long skirts coming down the hill. I assumed being somewhere in the middle of the United States.
I went to one of the women and asked for a picture. She agreed and let me take one. It took me much longer to choose the frame, I wanted the perfect frame and couldn’t decide when to take the photo. After 5 minutes or so I decided to swap the lens and did so. I took another lens out of my case and ’started to unlock the current lens off the camera and while taking the new lens and trying to attach it to the body, the camera parts didn’t fit anymore. They suddenly became old, sandy and damaged and there wasn’t a way to stop the ageing process. My camera and the lens transformed within seconds to old rusty elements. By the time I looked up again, the women disappeared.
9th of September
I remember something happened around christmas and it became tradition to stay home and not to leave the house. Walking through a place with my camera, I noticed that the christmas market was incredible beautiful and I enjoyed being outside. The traffic light for pedestrians switched to red so I needed to wait. Looking down on the ground, I saw those children begging. I went on the ground too and within a second I was lying flat with my belly on a skateboard rolling slowly through the children and saying hello. In English I asked a boy without legs and crippled arms and the most innocent smile on his face how old he is and the boy next to him answered me in Chinese that he is 7. Surrounded by about 15 children all on the ground begging for money, most of them with disabilities I took my camera and took a picture of the boy in front of me. All of the sudden the situation got out of control and all the children wanted money from me and a photo taken. Immediately I got up the skateboard, revealing my faked disability to walk and ran forward. Children were pulling on my clothes while I tried to get up. I didn’t look back and just ran, while hearing the Children behind me running after me.
At the time I felt secure and ran enough I stopped and hid behind a door. I noticed that I felt ashamed running away rather than dealing with the situation and helping the kids.
180 DEGREES
It has been only month, that I wrote about my life and thoughts and many things which surrounds me. After my last entry many things changed. My girlfriend Shawnee came to visit me in Shanghai by the end of december. We loved each so much … so we thought of showing that love through a BABY. I will be a father and it feels so great to know. I always wanted to have children and now .. I will have some. She will move here in one week with her daughter who is 9 years old.
I also have found an apartment which is half an hour to walk away from my office, where I found this job. I am senior Art Director and work in surprise ……………. Advertising. Well, I can make money with it and keep in mind, that I actually want to make my money with photography. it pays the bills and is actually not bad. The people are fun to work with and its a very small company too. Actually I made the website for them too.
So basically from arriving with one suitcase in the beginning of september in Nanjing, without a job, no apartment, not much money left and a girlfriend who is very far and not pregnant, I now have all these things within 4 months. I really like the idea that everything is going to be a little more stable now, hopefully she and I will stay a while at one place. I actually imagined, that since 2003 I didn’t stay at any place really longer than half a year. I somehow did in Hamburg before I went to China, but even there I stayed 3 of 8 months out of the country. It feels good somehow that I have arrived and I like all these challenges here, apartment, job, language, family, … yeahhhh.
I somehow got some Emails the past few weeks from various people who wrote me out of the blue to tell me how great my photography is. Especially this guy from Statesville, NC really cheered me up and keeps me thinking about not giving it up with these words:
“I noticed your work when a neighbor showed it to me. I am now very inspired by your work! I’ve always wanted to be a photographer just like you! I’m planning on becoming a photographer later on in life. I’m 14 now but I’m practicing,learning, and working hard to achieve becoming a photographer! I love your work… don’t ever stop what you’re doing! Your photos are very interesting and wonderful to look at as it gives you a chance to think about or be put in someone else’s shoes as you travel to other countries to capture photos of the innocent children and people in other countries. Thank you for everything!”
My decision was the right one and again I can trust myself I am doing the right choices and moves in life. I am still on my way to figure out how to do only things that makes everybody, including me, happy and its good to be on this way: everything is very difficult, so is it perfect.
All the best from Shanghai, where everybody is welcome to stay at my place.
Florian, thanks for reading.
ADDED NEW PHOTOGRAPHY LINKS
For my world travel I preferred to be alone here on my blog and actually used it as my diary. Since a couple of months though I think about it more and more to make it less about myself again. I will still continue to write about my thoughts and projects, in case I have some. hehe. Nevertheless, I would like to turn the blog entries more in direction of photography, illustration, movies, lets say art in general again. Not only my stuff should be the main target here anymore. Other portfolios, exhibitions, events and so on will be more present in future.
I started already to work on it and added a couple of new photographers I like. H ave a look at there work if you like. alessandra sanguinetti, morfi jimenez mercado, olivier pin-fat or sean gallagher. Especially I’d recommend to have a look at is tim simmons, philipp ebeling and pieter hugo.
NO NEED FOR A HEADLINE HERE I GUESS
This picture I took today on the wedding I photographed in Nanjing. I like it a lot. That’s exactly the kind of picture I like to take in my head. Maybe its the first time I just uploaded a copy of the image from my head instead of a photograph. Oh yeahh. Just wanted to share this. Now, the following lines will be my thoughts I had on the train from Shanghai to Nanjing.
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Sitting in the train to Nanjing, I listen to the music I used to listen when I went for a run to the lake and around it, close to my place in Hamburg, where I lived. Listen to that music creates the images I have of that area, the people I lived with, the food I cooked and ate, but also brings me back to the way I felt during this time. Its almost like the music is the necessary button to push to project the movie on the screen. I have music that reminds me of certain times at certain places. It is a premise though that I listened to that particular music a lot and also had a special feeling, a special time at those places. Otherwise it doesn’t work.
When I now listen to that music I used to listen in Germany, it reminds me of Germany as other music reminds me of other places in this world I am not from. Does it mean I lost the feeling of being home in Germany? The last 8 months (6 months actually only, because of 8 weeks traveling) now just seems to be another stop on my world travel and I can’t really feel the difference anymore between my stop in New Zealand or China or Vietnam. Yes they are differences where ever I lived, where ever I stayed for a while. Different things that make me happy or bring me down. But non of those places feel like “That’s where I am from” anymore. Non of those places feel like breathing through and be who I am. Non of those places give me the feeling of “I have arrived”, “I came back, to where I belong to”. I became a citizen of the world. In English it sounds way more dramatic than it is. The german translation “Ein Bewohner dieser Erde” simply describes the name of the planet I live on.
In exchange of getting to know new cultures, speak new languages, see new geological wonders, I had to trade my home base. The base known as the place where I would be safe. Where I would be more taken care of. Its not like this anymore though. For sure not. Every place asks you to give your best, to except the rules, to get accustomed to a different way of life. It feels like I lost that base. Did I ever had it? Yes. I had it at a time where I didn’t experience different places, different options to live. To sometimes know less can be great. But I longed for it, so I have to deal with it now.
How was I supposed to know that back in the time when I decided to travel the world and take a break, I would change so much. That I am not just gonna come back, tell people about my adventures and sit down at the desk I used to work again was for sure. But further to the point where I would start a new chapter of my life and without the possibility to flip the pages backwards, oops, I guess I was to naive to think I could actually do that. Well I guess nobody really knew it and knows what is going to happen when starting such adventures.
I don’t want to complain, just explain. If the travel mode wouldn’t suit me
so well, I wouldn’t have decided to extend my trip for 6 months and now finally move away from Germany without any idea of a time when I will return again.
The funny thing is, what I am doing now isn’t that unique at all. Many people from all around the world wander around the globe to find their luck, peace, happiness, whatever they seek for. Everyone of those globetrotters is excited to be somewhere else, because nobody really misses the place they are from. They maybe miss the people and the food. hehe.
To live somewhere else for a longer time claims that you need to give up certain behaviors you grew up with. To do new things you haven’t learned in the place you lived before. And the more you change the place you live, the more you need to deal with your new environment. So there is less time to concentrate on yourself and I think many people like that. A life where its more important to be at a certain place than being yourself. It is great to travel the world, to see all these “other” things. The price I need to pay is to give up a piece of myself: My Home.
IN TRANCE, MAYBE
Right now, I have this weird feeling again.I remember having it a couple of times already in my life. Very rarely though. I am working on something and all of the sudden I get all those thoughts, ideas, unspoken sentences back in my head I had a couple of days ago. Maybe they are the leftovers from a dream I just had last night. All this weird thoughts come up and I want to remember them so much, because I know I had them before and I want to keep them, want to finish work on those thoughts, but I can’t, because they come all at once and really fast, like a shower of sweats: You want to catch all of them, but you have only 2 hands and are not fast enough. While having this weird moment of about half a minute, I totally forget about where I am, what country I am in, what place I am at, how the room looks around me and who the person next to me is. I have to actually look around and get a feeling of where I am and how I got here. I am totally lost in memories and flashbacks. Its actually a beautiful feeling and it usually comes in very intense moments of concentration. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore. What my problems are, where I live, issues with my life, problems, doubts, anger, fear, anything, because I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing is there anymore, because I am nowhere and I am a no one. A state of trance almost.
By the time I turn around and I realize where I am, look to my neighbour to see his face and look on my laptop what i am actually doing right now, I slowly remember everything. This moment though, where everything comes to mind again I experienced subcontiously the thoughts of the past few days, its beautiful. It tells me that nothing gets lost in my head. While writing this I am still in this state of being and I enjoy it. Its peaceful and quite and it feels good.
I don’t want to wake up again. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
CHANGE LIFE AGAIN
After 8 months in Germany, living with and through the financial crisis I decided to emigrate from Germany and move to China. Who knows what exactly to expect there, but the chances to have lower expenses for daily life and the opportunity to take better pictures is higher and bigger than my love to Hamburgs Coffee shops. Not to mention cheap massages, good food, a beautiful language, beautiful landscape … . Nevertheless I’ll be in touch with contacts I made so far in Germany and try to update them with mailings, emails and other stuff.
First I’ll move to Nanjing, if its gonna be Nanjing for a longer time I don’t know, maybe Beijing. As long as people speak Chinese I don’t care much. I also decided to concentrate more on illustrations again instead of just ignore the ability I have.
So basically instead of being in Germany and go to China once in a while I’ll be in China and go to Germany once in a while.
Take care and enjoy your life as it happens and do what you need to do. Florian