Since I moved here to this house and noticed one day the falcon in the neighbors garden, I ran out with my camera and hoped I can take a picture before he’s gone. He still sits there. The neighbor attached his leg with a string to the roof house he is sitting on. Both sides of the roof are totally white of bird shit and tells me that the falcon is sitting there already since a while. I’m sure the falcon wants to and needs to fly and didn’t think of a life sitting on a roof all day and night long. its sits and sits and sits. Both of his wings seem to work. When he spreads out his wings to turn around, I can see that he is able to fly. I am not an expert. I just know he can. The longer the falcon sits on this roof, the more I feel angry about the guy who keeps him away from flying. My thoughts to free the falcon become bigger and bigger. BUT, and that’s where the dilemma starts:
The falcon doesn’t belong to me, its probably the property of this neighbor and the neighbor let the bird fly when its time to let the bird fly, because its a special falcon. He also might have payed thousands of euros to get the bird and now trains him. Maybe he is a veteran and keeps the bird until his broken wings are good enough again, so it can be on his own again.
However you want to this, I can’t force myself to talk to the guy and ask him about his falcon. Why? That’s probably what I need to figure out. I usually don’t feel that emotionally with animals, but this falcon doesn’t seem to be a usually bird. Today I suddenly thought of the falcon as a metaphor to my own situation I am in. I am able to fly but something stops me from using my wings. The falcon can move only in two directions. North and South, and mostly its looking south. I can move wherever I want, but I know I would just keep on trying to escape from myself. So either the falcon is what I am and what to happen to him, happens to me right now, or the falcon shows me how free I actually am, but still lock myself up in thoughts and doubts.
I’ll watch the falcon and find out about it.
Before I start to tell you all about my plans in future (don’t have any anyways), I thought about scanning in my illustrations I didn’t show yet. A little bit of background: The one you see above was created in New Zeland, where punks (youth) go that often to Burger King and McDonalds, german parents would probably be happy their kids go only 3 times a week. Don’t ask me about the german dude, jumping with a knife towards the chicken. Can’t remember the idea here. In the same time I did the hostelburger. The hostel I stayed in Christchurch was so incredible dirty and my job to clean it, so I could stay for free, let happen this illustration. I can’t think of any reason why I draw the kitchen help. Enjoy or don’t. The probably most interesting illustration “3 pigs”, created in october is probably the result of my confusion what direction I am going in life. Funny how present this illustration actually is. I could actually write a whole book about this topic: my on going conflict I carry with me. Should I join society and live one of those “great lives” and die one day or become one of those lonely forest soldiers and live from the goods the forest give me. Both directions seem to be too extreme and I don’t like to be a part of one of those. Instead I would like to become famous before I actually start working. Actually I want to become part of history. That’s probably the only way I see I justify to be dead one day, because I actually don’t die. So those three pigs turning in different directions but all are in the same shit is definitely up to date. Probably the reason for my panic attacks, too. Father and Son is probably the fantastic result of my wish for a family or maybe its just a stupid skateboard competition, who knows. This last peace of work I did in Seattle, while my girlfriend’s daugther complained about being hungry constantly. She always does so I really needed to bring that somehow to paper. The onion girl is not part of my moleskine, but my last illustration, 6 months ago now. (What an important information). Love and Kiss from planet uninspired.
At the moment I feel very great. The sun is out, I ride my bike again, meet new people, basically I enjoy spring as I should enjoy the first warm days in this city in this year. My situation is still the same: I call photographers to ask if they need assistance, I call up magazines to show them my portfolio, I work on my prints to update my portfolio, I email with publishing houses and send them links to my work and so far there is no benefit in sight. On April 21st I am invited to help on a shoot which is not payed, but I am looking forward to it indeed. Its not only the economy crisis what makes me not using my camera, its also true that I don’t have any appeal. Nothing is interesting enough, nothing seems to be worth and ideas i had occasionally in the past are disappeared. That’s how it is to be an artist I guess. Not cool. Shoot when I’m inspired and not because I have too. Its strange these days I actually make steps forward, less photography wise but personally. I gave up old patterns the way I think, I make full stops instead making periods and don’t think about stuff anymore what made me think so much that I couldn’t see today.
I guess I’m on my way to accept myself more again and learn things I didn’t have time to learn so far. Patience is one of it for instance. It seems to be that I needed to do this world trip to get a better understanding of this world and come back home again to actually understand more about myself.
I actually know that I am going to make it in this world of 2 billion photographers, maybe 5 billion. The way how I am going to make is it that makes me nervous and impatient.
My job situation isn’t better, I just learn how to deal with it.