today something happend which didn’t happen the 10 month during traveling until now. I mist home. I mist my friends, my language, my way of being me, being secure about the do’s and the don’ts in my own culture. I think I understand now what home means.

Many thoughts ran through my head. But not any thought is belonging to depression or doubts. Thoughts about what all these travel experiences mean to me. About what its going to be a photojournalist and devote my life to stories where I am not a part of it. Being a foreigner for a life time.
Since 10 month I listen to people from the States, from New Zealand, from Australia, from Hong Kong, China, Vietnam and and and. I am interested in those stories in order to understand what the culture and the way of thinking is all about. Although I can get only a touch of what it means to live in those countries and cultures, I think I understood something about these countries and their people. And I am happy I can make this experience and have the opportunity and the courage to live this life. I enjoyed fully those stories. And I suppose that those experiences are similar to a photojournalist. They listen to all this to get a overview, a look inside it to make good reports, well researched. But never the less I came to a point where I totally lost all the interest and care about my own way of life again. Actually the first time since I left Germany.

Why I felt lost today is because I had the feeling about loosing the interest about these stories. Well, I do see how I change and how I developed myself in all these month. But I need somebody to talk about all this. Get encouragement, hope and a fresh portion of self confidence. Giving all my energy and power to listen to people and not talking about my experiences makes me feel lost, especially in my own language.

I thought about if its a german thing, being too serious about what the world is about, to learn about my own personality and my desires and fears, so searching also for my national identity here. Should we just enjoy life without thinking what is happening and why its happening? Of course we should not. Although questioning every day why life goes this way and not another can’t be the right answer as well. It takes to much effort and for some things there are probably no answers. I think I am stucked. Too many questions running through my head again:

Where lies my interest? Where is my passion? How do I find MY way of life?

I can imagine all these answers like: Take your time. Just live and you will explore what you need. What you can do and what you can’t. I need answers in order to carry on to live my desire. But I don’t want wait anymore until life is coming to me, I wan t to go to life. I want to know my life now.

I totally feel all these improvements I made in the past since I travel. But now its time to go the big step. Since I know I am good guy in the world and I am worth something and the work I’m doing is not too bad, I need to find the content. Yes, the content. For what do I live for? For the people in the world?! (As a photojournalist I have to). Am I though enough to forget about myself and reduce my wishes and desires in order to listen to people and devote my life to the world and its stories and of course to the pictures they create in my head? Am I grown up enough to do this? Is it just a matter of experience or a matter of age I need to reach to devote my life to those things I just named?

Well I think there is only one way to figure out. Do it. Fucking go for the shit I wish to do. Its harder as I ever imagined in my life. Do it without the thought and the doubts about the content quality and if I do so, what? What is the content? I can’t forget about the idea that I am just an expert in covering thing. wrap it and make it look nice. But the idea, the thought should be first, at least should be there at some point. I always wanted to learn how to express things, but never about the thing by it self and I am afraid, really worried about the fact that there is nothing which let me make crazy/passionated, let me talk about it if there wouldn’t be anything else in my interest.

This is not an entry about “help”. Its about “step 2 please” in life, which is got though