I’m sitting in the kitchen play with my computer, too afraid of going out and do my job. I don’t know how to address those hesitations and fears I have. I am in another country and the fear of not taking pictures for money (work as a professional) bites every single day a little piece of confidence away. The confidence to take pictures and to be sure about the things I do. My life hasn’t been that messy before. Its crazy. I always had a way I had to go and just needed to follow the path and never really think about where to go when the path splits into two. Now, there seems to be no certain way I want to go, except the ways I want to go with my girlfriend and my camera. But there is no hope in sight I can see the direction. And the appearance of the path I am on is closer to a round-about than it is a way with two directions. There is no evidence for such thing as hope. Advices from anybody or help or anything else is not found too. There are only doubts and criticism about myself from myself. “All I can do now is taking pictures”. Yes I can. But the fear gets bigger and bigger that these pictures I take become an endless story without success and direction.

Its raining outside and I wonder if the rain wants to tell me not to go out or if it tells me to be strong and go out weather the weather is good or not. I can’t read signs for myself anymore. Although there are no signs and its all made up psychologically anyways. I was able to create signs and their meanings in my mind to encourage myself in situations where I am with no motivation: (sad, dark, tired, ugly, black, gray, rain, no, doubt, no love, no emotion, no happiness, no yoga, no self love, no sleep, no movies, no communication, no ups, no downs …

A gray slowly floating substance of meaninglessness is searching its way through my current journey. And all i can do is carry on with what I do. Take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures, take pictures, copy pictures, edit pictures take edit take edit take edit take edit.